| | I'm battling depression right now. It's sorta late, I'm sorta tired, I'm listening to some sorta terrible band playing some sorta terrible song, and I just generally wish I were somewhere else.
The last quiz was Saturday, and I'm glad to be gone. I don't want to be doing that anymore. I'm going to try to memorize the New Testament as a project this summer...but quizzing...I've sort of moved on. Though I'm going to try to quizmaster next year, partially out of loyalty and partially because hanging out is fun. I don't have to do it for the wrong motives, I don't have to prove anything to myself anymore, and I don't have to go through a Nationals that I probably wouldn't have enjoyed...I miss Donetta a lot more than I thought.
I miss a lot of people right now. I miss you, Daniel...I wonder if you read these. haha. I don't want to turn back time or anything stupid like that. But if you're coming here in June, that will be great. I miss a lot of the quizzers, most of them those who never quizzed Nationals-style and thus who never made Nationals, but who were the kind of people who deserved it...whatever that means.
I don't really know what to do with myself presently. I grant that this rings somewhat false, as I'm spending my time writing a rather aimless Xanga post. Chuck Klosterman says that to succeed in life, a person needs both a nemesis -- the kind of person who rivals you at everything, though on a deep surface, you like each other -- and an archenemy -- the kind of person who is the most utterly loathsome being ever. I have neither. I almost seriously believe that this is a problem. My subconscious certainly does. It's creating me a nemesis in my dreams. I don't feel good about it.
Sidenote, one primarily more frustrated than depressed: It bugs me when (and how many) bad songwriters succeed. I was listening to We The Kings a minute ago. I cannot imagine how anyone would truly like them. I also don't know why calling girls "Baby" in songs works so well, as I've never met a girl who liked this and never met a girl to whom I seriously considered applying the term even mentally. I think I write good songs, and I really have no outlet for them, other than Xanga posts with lyrics. Perhaps I'm impatient, or perhaps I'm misguided. But this is rather irksome. That's why it feels great that Brandon said he'd stick by me with it last night. It's a gift that I'd like to use at some point.
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Well, I wrote that last night. And now it's the morning. And, predictably, I feel alright. Hopefully Nate and I can hang out soon. And I want to read stuff and watch movies. Fun.
I don't think I really have a lot more to say. Life is different now, and I'm sort of still adjusting. I'm in between two of the most important and ... well, really, two of the most exciting, enjoyable stages of my life. And while I'm thankful for where I am...I'm uncertain, and it's easy to feel like I'm going through it on my own. So as C.S. Lewis suggested in The Screwtape Letters, I'll pray not for the crosses of tomorrow, but those of today. Most people looking in on my life tell me they'll pray for me as I go to college, as I'm taking courses, as I'm making friends, as I'm trying to avoid weighing 500 pounds...and I'm very thankful for all that, but it seems to me that they miss the point. Right now, I need prayer that I will be able to be used by God this summer, that I'll become like Him more and more each day, that I won't feel purposeless or alone. These are the crosses with which I've been entrusted today, and help will be given me with them if I ask for it. But God's not gonna help me deal with college today. I'm not there yet. So I'm in between, and I could use some divine help. Pray that I get it.
"Tonight, won't you come down out of your tower?
Don't make me dance all night alone."
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| | Posted 5/5/2008 1:09 AM - 46 Views - 8 eProps - 4 comments
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I miss you too man. I think Im aiming to come down the first (or second) week in June. We'll hang out man. Im looking forward to it.